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Sunday, January 6th, 2008
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eh...i just made a date...
I should make it a goal to date more this year for the express purpose of keeping a journal of all my dates and how awkward and ultimately worthless they are.
Still disappointed in Rob's response...don't know why I've had him on the brain but little things here and there just make me wonder, "Could we have made it? Would I, could I have avoided the heartbreak that came with Dustin and TJ if I had stayed with Rob?" I know he's got a girlfriend right now but I was still secretly hoping we could just talk and catch up, see how much both of us have changed. But apparently he still thinks I'm evil and don't care how much I hurt him, and that I just pity him. I guess I could partly deserve that or at least should expect that since I did hurt him by my decision to leave. But I figured that he wouldn't still be bitter over it and that he might be open to chatting. Who knows? I've said all I could really say so all that's left to do is just put it behind me if he chooses not to respond further. No matter how much I have wondered about it, I still do not let myself harbor regrets.
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Thursday, December 13th, 2007
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I think I have enough bruises on my body to account for my new age tomorrow. This includes, for all not present when I announced it, the big, scary one I discovered on my buttcheek just now.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 1st, 2007
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Talk about lame...I went to bed at 7 PM last night because I hurt so bad and I just cried and tossed and turned all night. And didnt get out of bed until a few minutes ago. At least my head stopped hurting and the back pain isnt too severe this morning.
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I'm leaving for Ireland tomorrow morning! So I will have a lot of entries to catch up on when I get back (not like I comment a lot anyway but I do read everyone's). I WILL MISS CHAT SO MUCH!!!!!!
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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this journal is where i can post the not-so-good stuff since people in RL really don't know about this one. i didn't really want to hear from TJ. it put a sour taste in me and i just hate to think about him and i wish he would go away out of my thoughts forever. why does he even want to say anything to me? you don't love me so just go away. anyway i'm also just feeling a little down because nothing was going on this weekend and i feel a bit more loser-ish than usual and whenever i start to feel that way i turn it around and start focusing on my physical imperfections. i just want to move it forward a week or two and then things will start getting busy with family and my trip coming up and there won't be time to let the depression seep in. not to mention my appointment is on the 9th so hopefully i will start a new med. and i still really hope that i will go out with Dana another time. he's busy with family visiting and friends moving so i wasn't expecting to hear from him this weekend but hopefully we will talk again this week or something. end of rant.
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Thursday, April 12th, 2007
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I am going to be looking for a different clinic to see a psychiatrist in. I had a dental appointment at 7:30 this morning which was supposed to be an hour long. Well they had issues with something they were doing and I ended up being there until almost 9:00 so I was late for my appointment. I asked them to see if he would be able to still see me. Well he had a full schedule I can understand that. So they had the nurse talk to me and I was crying and I told her why I was late and that I can't get off work real easily with my trip planned and the job changes I'm going to be having. So she said she would talk to him and I was sitting out in the waiting and the doctor comes out and he's right there in plain view and I could hear them whispering. And he tells her to offer me this opening my counselor has and that I have to reschedule. Well talking to the counselor isn't helping my depression and also he was standing right there so he could have given a couple minutes of his time to talk to me or at least tell me that himself. Im really unhappy with that and now I have to sit and suffer until I can get in with a new doctor all because my dentist took a half hour longer then she was supposed to with my teeth. I almost wish I had lied and said I was suicidal so maybe he would have given me a couple minutes of his precious time.
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I'm particularly hate-y of TJ today. Several things just popped into mind where I thought to myself "I hope he remembers that" or "I hope he hears that song and feels miserable". Also I was the laughingstock at work all day. Barb was talking about my date and I said how he must like me since he keeps calling and she said "He likes your boobs. He wants to see them." Well she has a really loud voice so of course pervy doctor heard and he said "Well is it worth it?" which mortified the crap out of me and then Barb had to make it worse by replying "Of course it is. They're huge." I wanted to die. So yeah I'm going to do what Dustin wants and try to make those amends so I can put it behind. Not looking forward.
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Thursday, April 5th, 2007
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i have this really paranoid theory. see, i've always had it in my mind that i would be punished somehow for hurting dustin when i left him, even though it was the right thing to do. and now i feel like i am being punished by having had TJ leave me. and now dustin calls out of the blue claiming he wants to see me again for closure and to see that things are okay. well i was an ass, complaining it was too uncomfortable and i didn't want to. and then i realized, what if someone up there has arranged this so that his wanting to see me is my opportunity to make amends or whatever and redeem myself. what if i NEED to do this in order to move on and find happiness and not hurt in my next relationship? so now i feel like i almost have to do it. the whole thing seems retarded but what if it really is something God or whoever up there intended for me to do to be able to get past this whole thing? suck.
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I got myself in trouble. I typed something to TJ about how I felt and instead of typing "I'm not saying you're a jerk or an asshole", I typed "I'm not saying you're a jerk, you're an asshole". Soo you can imagine how that went over. And then I think he must have thought Keith said something to me Friday night cause on Keith's page, the fridge thing said "I may have to hurt you boy." which sounds a lot like something TJ would write. So now I'm all worried he's going to bitch Keith out and Keith will be mad at me. And we just became friends again. Great. Granted I'm super pissed off at the TJ situation and the things that I highly suspect are true, I ranted in my livejournal which no one can read because I took the link down. So either just the typo pissed TJ off or he's keeping tabs on me through the livejournal which I know he looked at once before. I don't want to write those nasty rants in my real journal and have to read them in ten years. THat's why I do my nasty rants in my blogs instead. I know I could friend it but since only my Nano friends know of this blog for the most part, I guess I didn't think it was necessary. I don't know. I don't know why TJ would keep the link to this blog and still be looking at it. I guess I'll find out. I apologized for the typo. But I am really upset that he's most likely seeing someone new already. That's why I wrote that angry blog earlier today, to get it all out of me. Then I talked about it with my sister and she said all the same things that I know in my heart. Sometimes it takes a break-up thats really hard to move you forward and closer to the person you're meant to be with. Most likely there's a different person out there I'm meant to be with. And most likely in the future I will find out I didn't love TJ the way I thought I did after all. Time heals, I just have to bear the emotions and wait it out.
I could have a new boyfriend easily. But I'm gonna be picky. I'm gonna wait for the one I really like and want to pursue. I went out last night even though I wasn't sure I wanted to and we saw the movie and had some drinks afterward. So far, it's been fun but I'm not sure I'm feeling anything. He's really nice.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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i lied. i do think you're an asshole. i think you're dirty rotten scum. you think you can take the easy way out by dumping me and going straight to fuck around with this beth chick. that way you don't have to think about me anymore. you can just forget everything we had and move on and not have to worry about being lonely or miserable because you have a new girlfriend to satisfy your needs. you may or may not have left me with the intention of going to her. but you may as well have you were all over her so fast. don't think i don't know. i'm not stupid. good luck getting her to love you as much as i did. i deserve better then the pile of shit you handed me.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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i think my suspicions have been confirmed. i think TJ is flirting around with this girl from his work if not doing more than that. He came for his stuff at least. Now the whole thing is laid to rest and the official moving onbegins. There is a sadness in my heart but that's perfectly normal. All in all, I am doing okay. I have accepted it and I need to keep reminding myself that a better path lays before me and I need to hand my troubles over to someone higher and just follow the path. Just trust that all will turn out as it should.
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Thursday, March 29th, 2007
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obviously my ex is a winner. i don't think he's ever going to come for his stuff. and it's really not important stuff so who cares right? whatever i had to say to him matters less and less with each day that passes because we grow further and further apart. if he wants to avoid seeing me he should just tell me he doesn't want to come and i will say fine and we will move on. but he just puts it off and whatever. i'm busy and happy and normal but i'm so pissed off that he can just dump our relationship without feeling anything and just move on to whoever or whatever and be happy. doesn't he feel anything? at least i made up with keith. that makes me very happy and we are going to hang out this weekend.
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today i got kind of worn out. tried on a whole crap load of shirts for tomorrow. trying on clothes always frustrates me to no end and makes me feel a little bad about how i look. i don't know about tomorrow. do i really want to put myself through that uncomfortable, pressuring feeling of trying to talk to someone i don't know well and get to know them? i also started to miss TJ a bit more. mainly cause i was thinking about the whole dating thing and how impossible it seems i will ever like another guy again that way. memories floated through my head. the good times far far far outweighed the times we frustrated each other, since we got back together. i wonder if he thinks of that or if he just focuses on what made him unhappy and the need to escape that. does he even remember our happy times? anyway i feel coughy, and snotty, and congested and i can just imagine myself blowing my nose all the way through dinner tomorrow night and making such a wonderful impression. yar.
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Saturday, March 24th, 2007
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I just spent 2 hours at an urgent care. woohoo what a great saturday night! i had another dizzy spell at mcdonalds (which by the way was a great time for my niece's 1st birthday) and i have this massive cold so i went in and the doctor decided i needed hydration and i had to sit an hour with an IV dripping into me. And I have to take some potassium pills for the next week cause that level was a little low. Usually when I feel weird like that, I blow it off cause I'm always convinced I'm fine but I guess I just decided I better get checked out. Weird. So now I will have the red and flaky nose thing and a bruise on my arm that makes me look like an addict. I better wear long sleeves on Monday.
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I feel pretty good about myself right now. Minus the snotty nose and coughing and inability to breathe. Thank God for the people who help me scrape my shattered pieces off the floor and put myself back together. I know who I can truly rely on and I know there are better things waiting for me.
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TJ said he would try to stop by tonightfor his crap. I figured fine, he probably won't make it before I leave. Well I was right. And that's not a big deal except that he could have frickin called or texted at least to say he wasn't going to make it. Out of politeness. Am i being unreasonable here? Well I am about done with pestering him about it. I have a good idea what he's so busy with but I don't want to even know and in a way I don't care. He cares nothing for me, he's proven that.
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Tuesday, March 20th, 2007
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I haven't eaten anything resembling a full meal in a week and I just ate dinner at my grandma's. My stomach feels like exploding. Also I got talked into a date...well a double date. This is all. Still having morning sadness.
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I'm beginning to dread the mornings. So far, I've managed to do okay over the past couple days, except in the morning. When I wake up, my stomach gets twisty and I start to feel sad. Yesterday I was teary at work so I thought it was going to be bad all day but it lifted. I'm not sure what today is going to be like. He was in my dream and for once, I'm not going to write it down in my embodiment journal. I don't think it will be helpful, I think it will hurt to recall the dream again. I know my journal must be fascinating for everyone to read right now. If you're reading, or skimming, thanks.
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So I was talking to my mom and it sounded like my dad kinda did the same thing as TJ. He kept stuff inside and acted like everything was okay and then out of the blue told my mom he wasn't ready for the family thing and didn't feel like he could handle it and he left. My mom said if he isn't willing to stick around during the hard times and give his effort to work through, then he probably doesn't love me enough to be in the relationship. It's true but I figured there is no "love me enough". He either loves me or he doesn't love me and if he can't find it in his heart to have the courage to work it out or the time to work it out, then he just doesn't love me. He couldn't possibly. Not in the way a person deserves to be loved by their significant other. I'm so saddened by that too. I loved him with everything and I was prepared to give everything reasonable and within healthy limits to make it work. I was ready. I thought that we would date while he went to school and developed the beginnings of his career, and I thought we would eventually move further when it got to that point. How could I have been so wrong?
I know I deserve better if he isn't willing to stick out the tough times, but I so wanted him to be my special person. I loved every aspect of him, despite the faults he had. Maybe he felt too much pressure with school and money, maybe he couldn't handle problems in a relationship with all that. I certainly never intended to pressure him or demand too much of his time. I just asked for a little patience and understanding while I'm working through this rough patch in my job and my emotions. I just can't understand how the feelings I saw in his eyes and the things I heard from his lips could have been untrue. It hurts to see someone you've grown that close to zip right out of your life all of a sudden. I can't possibly imagine finding someone that close to what I want again. It just seems so unfair.
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Feels like it's been one big, long day since Wednesday night. I've barely been home. I spent Wednesday night after it happened, Thursday night, and Friday night at my mom's. I slept there and came home late Saturday morning. I spent a little bit here with the cats and then went to my dad's and just got home a bit ago. But now I'm going to bring taxes back to mom's andtry to get them done and wait for my sister to get off work because she offered to take pity on me and hang out for a bit. I don't feel like going out and trying to cheer up when I look like such crap. I'll save that for another weekend.
There's some stuff he needs to pick up if he wants it. I mean I guess who cares about the beer but I'm never going to do anything with it. But there's something else that was kind of ours together but I have no use for it by myself. I'm afraid he would just throw it away but it's basically his. I ended up telling him how I have so many things I wanted to say and he said he would listen and he was going to call but he never did or hasn't yet. I'm not going to be a pest because it seems as though his mind is made up, so I'm not going to try and call him. If he wants those things, they are here. If he wants to talk, he knows my number.
I guess out of all the talking I have done, I'd have to say my dad is probably right. If we love each other but he's gotta leave because of this rough issue we haven't worked through yet, then he probably just isnt ready for a relationship. I tried to tell him that relationships mature when two people work really hard to overcome an issue. He knows I would do anything for him, and I wanted to take another step and seek advice from a professional to try and help us with the communication issues. But he turned and ran away. He claimed he would never change. And I know better than anyone that what that really means is "I'm not willing to change right now." Which I don't get because he talked about wanting to get tested for PTSD and I think if he did that he could get some counselling or something and learn how to not bottle his emotions. I will always believe that we could have worked through things and had something real. It's just too bad he can't handle relationship problems on top of school and work and whatever else. I'm hurting so bad because I thought I wanted to share a lot of my life with him. I think that he needs to work out his own issues himself yes, but I just don't believe that breaking us up will make it any better. I just can't.
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